I was just writing someone about this, how it is so hard to find blogs out there that talk about how to *really* work with teenagers. I’m not going to lie and say that I started this one because of some crusade about how there should be more out there … the reality was that it was a common theme on my own blog and I thought, “meh, I should probably put these somewhere as I keep writing about this.” Plus, I’ve been looking for blogs, articles, whatever for months before writing about it myself. So I’m usually more about looking than putting content out there.
There seems to be such a lack of taking teenagers seriously for some reason, on any blogs I can ever find. And a lot of stuff that I read about working with them tends to either go in one of two directions — trying to deceive them by being full of sugary goodness but really being out on recon, or just being so over-the-top, as in Miss America Apple Pie visits Happy Cookie Land. Oy. I realize I’m taking a pessimistic view, but there’s just not anything out there that talks about situations where you get in the trenches with people, talking about the actual issues that they are going through. I’m not necessarily looking for drama, and true grit or anything like that — just simple honesty, and no glitter.
Speaking of which, and I have to throw this in here somewhere, there is one blog that I totally love reading — danah boyd’s apophenia. Everytime she writes about perspectives on teenagers, it just blows my mind. So if you’re looking for some good stuff too, there’s some of it. If you know more, send it my way, too.
When I’m working with people, I get myself opened up, whether I like it or not. Not that I’m doing reverse therapy or anything like that, where I’m trying to project my problems on them or anything. It’s just that I don’t try to hold the perspective that life is rough — that adults, just like teenagers and everyone else, have their lives damaged and their feelings hurt. When you care about people so much, whenever they hit rough times, it just tears your heart out. As nice as cookies are, they’re not going to soothe those kinds of wounds. It’s like you learn caring by suffering, by exhausting yourself, and really stepping in the ring and trying to get a real sense of what’s going on. And it can hurt. It hurts for other people, and so it shouldn’t really come as a surprise when their issues cause me some grief as well.
I have no idea where I was going with that one. I did write a poem about it though (I love writing poetry). I think empathy comes easy for me sometimes, maybe too well. I can really relate to what teenagers go through, for whatever reason. Partly because of my own experiences, and partly because I’m so sympathetic to their plight. I’ve said it before, but my stance is pretty much that it seems like teenagers get ignored constantly.
Ever since I was young, I saw how adults were amused with the ideas that youth had in general, and people for the most part don’t take them seriously. And it’s those people who did talk to them, not necessarily getting on their level, but just listening that made a real difference. You don’t have to try and be “fun” or “cool.” Like everyone always says, just be yourself. Of course, I think if you have to tell yourself that, then you’re already not doing it anyway.
Speaking of listening, I noticed something really peculiar with my approach the other day. I was talking to someone, and as is often the case, whenever I’m asked for my input, I won’t shut up. In fact, I’ve noticed I get into this kind of zen state where everything around me collapses and everyone in the room is just floating in a garden of awesome enlightenment with the words that come out of my mouth. Well, maybe not that extreme, but I really do get some kind of a physical tunnel-vision going, where my mind is just moving so fast that all unnecessary data, like where the closest stash of nachos is, just gets completely ignored. More than ignored though, it’s like it just stops existing. Very strange.
Anyway, I was thinking about it later, and I realized that while I was in my heightened state of self-awareness, that the more I did that, the less I realized I was paying attention to the other person, and my cues that I normally watch for that help me focus on what they are saying is largely ignored as well.
I thought about it for a while, and what really bothered me is that I didn’t even notice the reactions to my commentary. At the time where it’s most critical — communicating information — I wasn’t even paying attention to how well it was being received. I was like Mr. Soapbox Man in all my washy wonder. I realized I don’t like that at all. And I came to the conclusion that it’s more important to listen than to lecture. Someone is not going to go away and say, “Wow, Steve gives such great lectures!” but they will remember, “Man, I’ve never felt like someone listened to me so much and felt like they cared about me.” Especially if my own experience is any indication. Again, I don’t remember the advice that was ever given me growing up, but I do recall the moments when I felt like I could comfortably open up and discuss things, without fear of ridicule or embarrasment. I’d like to develop that same skill in myself.
the first date
I do volunteer work with the youth ministry at a local church here in Salt Lake, and this last weekend they had a talent show / fundraiser for a member. When I first heard about the talent show, I thought to myself, “I have *got* to write a poem.” So, I did. It’s all about this poor guy that goes on his first date, and how everything goes.
My first date was pretty bad, too, and some of the things that happen here to Jacob happened to me as well. We went to go see a movie — Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, I kid you not — and I really did fall asleep. Ah, but I’m giving parts of it away already.
Enjoy.
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